Avoid these common mistakes when handling boss problems.
By Assertive Way
When you are a child and your sibling is annoying you, your first line of action is to speak to your parents about it hoping they will solve your problem for you.
That works well because you’re pretty confident your parents will defend you, solve the issue, and you know your sibling doesn’t have that much power over you.
However, when you grow up and experience relationship problems with your boss, things get a little more complicated.
You might consider looking for someone with more power who can reprimand or tell your boss how to behave towards you like Human Resources or your boss’s boss. That approach will work sometimes, but often it can backfire against you.
Whether it’s to make your boss appreciate your hard work, deal with your boss taking credit for your work, dealing with a controlling boss, managing a boss that makes you want to quit, or just being treated with respect, you need to take a different type of approach.
You might consider looking for someone with more power who can reprimand or tell your boss how to behave towards you like Human Resources or your boss’s boss. That approach will work sometimes, but often it can backfire against you.
Why speaking to a person above your boss is not the answer.
Talking to HR
When you are an adult at work, your first and best line of action to solve problems is yourself, not HR and not the boss’s boss.
Here’s why.
When you talk to HR, one of these could happen:
- Great – HR tells your boss about their conversation with you and then asks your boss to change behavior. Your boss is grateful for the feedback, acknowledges the mistake, and changes behavior.
- Good – HR tells your boss about their conversation with you and then asks your boss to change behavior. Your boss is angry at you because you didn’t talk to them first, but still changes behaviors, and doesn’t take it personally.
- Short-term good, long term bad – HR tells your boss about their conversation with you and then asks your boss to change behavior. Your boss is angry at you, changes behaviors, but limits your opportunities for growth.
- Neutral – HR doesn’t do anything about it which is very common.
- Bad – HR tells your boss about their conversation with you and then asks your boss to change behavior. Your boss is angry at you, does not change behaviors, and limits your opportunities for growth.
- Bad – HR doesn’t do anything about it and now sees you as a trouble-maker, limiting your growth opportunities.
- Bad – HR is friends with the boss and shares your problem as negative whining complaining, not as something that is serious. Neither your boss or HR takes you seriously.
Do you see that most of those scenarios are not helpful for you?
You don’t have control over the conversation HR will have with your boss. You don’t know how they are really going to feel about the situation, who they will side with, and how well they’ll convey it when they speak to your boss. HR is not neutral.
On top of that, there is the risk that your boss and HR may perceive you as less mature, as a complainer, or as a trouble-maker, even if it’s not true. Then you’ll lose respect and you’ll lose opportunities for growth.
HR is most helpful when there are legal issues involved such as explicit discrimination or benefits you are entitled to. Not to deal with relationship problems with your boss.
They are not your parents. They are not your ally. They are allies of the company. And their job isn’t to be your advocate, that is your job.
They are not your parents. They are not your ally. They are allies of the company. And their job isn’t to be your advocate, that is your job.
Talking to your boss’s boss
The same is true if you talk to your boss’s boss.
Who do you think has a better relationship with the boss’s boss: you or your boss? Who will your boss’s boss remain faithful to? Who will they support? Your boss or themselves, not you.
Plus your boss will know and not like the fact that you spoke to their boss before speaking to them! Would you want someone who has a problem with you speak to your boss before speaking to you first?
Here’s what you can do
If you can’t go to HR or the boss’s boss to solve your relationship issues with your manager, what can you do about it?
You need to have an open, non-judgmental, honest conversation with your boss. Explain the facts, avoid blaming them in any way, explain why you don’t like it, why it’s bad for the job, and kindly make request for your boss to change behavior.
Then ask questions to see if your boss is ok with your request, or if there are any barriers. Negotiate through those barriers. If you and your boss agree on something going forward, then you can hold your boss accountable for it.
That’s it.
Do this more than once if needed. If after 2 or 3 attempts to have this conversation, you don’t see any changes, then try this.
Escalating without HR or boss’s boss
Use influence!
Find out who your boss respects and who you personally have a relationship or affinity with.
Then, explain the situation to them in a very calm, non-blaming way, and invite them for the conversation with your boss.
They will serve as your negotiation mediator.
They will reframe what you say for your boss. Since your boss respects them, they are more likely to listen to them than to you.
Find out who your boss respects and who you have a relationship or affinity with.
What if all of this fails
First
Congratulations, you gathered a lot of useful data and information! You’ve respectfully attempted speaking to your boss 3 times and you invited a trusted mediator to solve the issue. Nothing worked.
Being able to have adult honest conversations to problem solve issues is critical to have good work relationships and to perform well at work. If that is a non-starter, then it shows that future problems will also be difficult to handle.
All jobs and positions eventually have problems. Therefore, you need to have:
- A system to resolve problems as they appear.
- A manager and team that you can communicate with and trust to work through those problems.
Without that, your workdays will be stressful and frustrating.
Second
Ask yourself, is there anything that you can change to resolve the problem? Can you request more meetings with your boss to align on expectations and desires? Can you avoid certain uncomfortable situations?
Third
If not, is the problem sufficiently large that you should start to look for another role or job where you’ll be more in line with the management?
Summary
Your very first line of action is to have an open, honest, and non-blaming conversation with your boss. You’ll have full visibility and control over that conversation, unlike a conversation between HR or your boss’s boss and your boss.
At the end of the day, you are your best advocate.
Embrace that, develop that skill, because it will serve you your entire career. It will save you a lot of frustration and it will boost your work happiness.
“Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced.” – James Baldwin
Want to learn how to advocate for yourself at work?
There is a learnable skill involved, and it’s called assertiveness.
You can speak up for yourself or for others without being rude or pushy.
So it gets you want you want, it allows you to have more impact, and it also maintains great relationships at work with your boss, colleagues, and employees.
Here’s a free mini course that will teach you how to be more assertive and to get the recognition you deserve.