It’s the best book I’ve read so far on how to say no effectively.
By Assertive Way
“The Power of a Positive No” has a negotiation take on saying no. The book transforms a simple no into an epic journey that is illustrated in examples of historical facts, movements, and negotiations.
Facts
The book “The Power of a Positive No: How to Say No and Still Get to a Yes” was published in 2007, but still remains current in its concepts.
The author is Willian Ury, the co-founder of Harvard’s Negotiation Program. He is one of the top negotiation experts in the US and has aided major international conflict negotiations.
Overview
The book explains how to say no from a negotiation perspective.
It has 3 parts: preparing to say no, delivering the no, and following through.
The formula he uses to say no is: Yes! No. Yes?, that is, starting and ending with alternative yes’s and asserting the no in between.
The formula he uses to say no is: yes! – no. – yes?, that is, starting and ending with alternative yes’s and asserting the no in between.
Best parts
I like how he explains the limitations of saying no by communication type: accommodate (passive), attack (aggressive), and avoid (passive-aggressive).
He also frames saying no as a negotiation: going to balcony, understanding the interests for each party, exploring alternatives, having a plan B, getting to an agreement, and maintaining a positive relationship.
Even though saying no is often not a negotiation, but a personal decision and communication of that decision, it still must deal with keeping good relationships.
The hardest part of saying no for most people is dealing with the guilt when saying no to others and the fear of rejection. This book gives you a reason to say no. It highlights that saying no to one thing is really saying yes to something else, and that we should focus and respectfully communicate that yes.
I like that it breaks down different types of no such as a natural no, saying no to demands, and saying no to offensive behavior.
He also shows how people may react to your no with the typical stages of denial. Naming their reactions prepares you patiently wait for them to get past the denial phase rather than to take responsibility for other’s negative feelings.
The positive no is also based on mutual respect, respect for yourself and for the other.
He also gives many historical examples from Mahatma Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, and Rosa Parks and from negotiations he has been involved in.
In summary, here’s what I liked about the book:
- Is easy to understand framework
- Has practical advice
- Explains no as a negotiation
- Offers many examples
Limitations
The book has several examples from historical activists, negotiations, and personal life, but doesn’t offer many examples on how to say no to people with more authority like your boss, which I believe most people struggle with.
He talks about having a plan B, but in reality it’s hard to have a plan B for a job. There is also fear related to the non-immediate consequences of saying no to the boss, such as slower career progression.
While the framework to saying no is excellent, I honestly don’t believe that someone who feels uncomfortable saying no will walk away transformed and say no confidently. It doesn’t address in depth the fears that hold people back such as fear of judgement, rejection, and loss.
Having said that, it will change some limiting beliefs and help people understand that saying no is not mean.
In summary, here are the limitations of the book:
- Doesn’t have many examples on how to say no to your boss
- Doesn’t address in depth the guilt and fears that hold people back from saying no
In the following video, William explains the key concepts of the book and shares examples on saying no to a boss but also shares some of his international negotiation examples.
It’s the best book I’ve read so far on how to say no effectively.
Overall rating
It’s the best book I’ve read so far on how to say no effectively.
The book offers a thoughtful and actionable framework, a sound negotiation perspective, and epic examples.
It also aligns with our confident, candid, and caring principles.
I highly recommend it.
“How can we get what we really want and at the same time deal with the needs of others in our lives? Perhaps no human dilemma is more pervasive or challenging.” – William Ury