It’s a lot easier and more effective.
By Assertive Way
Have you ever been in a heated argument with someone for a long time, and suddenly you or the other person says “wait a minute, why are we arguing, we are talking about the same thing!” And you realize that despite arguing you are on the same page and agree on the issue?
This problem of senseless conflict derives from lack of vision for the conversation.
In his book “Start With Why” and Ted Talk, Simon Sinek argues that great leaders inspire action by getting really clear on their WHY. The WHY is the purpose and why it matters.
In the same way, if you want to speak up, start with your WHY.
Be a leader for your important conversations. Be it saying no and communicating your boundaries, voicing your opinion in a meeting, or disagreeing on an important project.
Be clear on your conversation’s WHY. Get clear on your WHY before you find out what to say and how to say it.
Your WHY may be to connect at a deeper level with someone, to get an approval for a project as fast as possible, or to better understand negative feedback you received. It could be to find out if someone is a good mentor for you, evaluate if a company is a good match, or to negotiate a contract that leaves both parties satisfied.
Your purpose for the conversation is the only part of it that won’t change throughout the conversation.
Your purpose for the conversation is the only part of it that won’t change throughout the conversation. The words you chose, the body language, and your intonation need to remain flexible to adapt to how the conversation goes.
For example, consider you want to deliver constructive criticism to an employee so that they feel motivated and not upset. At the start of your conversation you notice the employee seems uneasy and irritable. You might change your approach to be more empathetic and find out that their child is really sick. Then you might decide to delay your conversation because the situation is not helping your goal of motivating the employee in those circumstances.
Starting with WHY for your important conversation does these 6 things for you:
Create clarity
Without a conversation purpose you will be lost or will be guided by the interest of others. If you want to be satisfied and engaged with the conversation, then know it’s purpose before you start.
Build trust
When people know and believe in your intentions, they can trust you. They want to know your intentions for them, and any hidden agenda that you have. Once they understand it, they will be open for dialogue.
When you are consistent in your message it allows others to trust you. When you are not consistent you derail trust very quickly. Consistency comes from having clear goals and purpose. That way you don’t get caught in the anger, frustration, or confusion of the moment.
Simplify the process of speaking up
The most meaningful conversations have a vision for it. And that vision simplifies your decision making.
Instead of planning every word, every facial expression, and every body language move, which can be overwhelming, you just need to focus on your purpose for the conversation. And allow that purpose to naturally guide you through all the details of the hard conversation execution. That vision guides your timing, words, and body language.
Increase your chances of achieving what you want
If you have your WHY right, you’ll find ways to do it right. You’ll understand if something is not working to serve your goal, and you’ll be able to adapt quickly. You won’t get caught in the heat of the moment. You won’t change topics to less relevant matters. You will remain focused and on track.
Boost your confidence
Conflict and confrontational conversations are not easy. Having a clear vision for your conversation will ignite your courage to act despite fear and despite not feeling confident. It will motivate you to move ahead anyway. It will help you find the courage to lean in.
Find and adjust real goals
When you carefully consider your goals, you might find that they are not what you think initially. You might initially think that your goal is to help someone. With more consideration on your WHY you find out that you really want validation from them through compliments to feel good about yourself. Or perhaps you realize that your real intention is to people-please to get approval from others. Then, you can find out how to solve the underlying challenge.
When you realize your true WHY, you can reassess the best course of action.
A WHY for the conversation will give you direction, build trust and simplify your decisions.
If you don’t have enough time to prepare for an important conversation, make sure you prioritize getting clarity on your WHY for the conversation. It will give you direction, build trust, and simplify your decisions. It will also increase your confidence and increase the chances of having a successful conversation.
SUMMARY
Find your WHY for the important conversation you want to have. It will allow you to have a meaningful conversation that matters, create trust, simplify and guide the interaction, increase your chances of success, increase your confidence and courage, and give you clarity.
“People don’t buy what you do, they buy why you do it.” – Simon Sinek