Politeness and saying ‘no’ are different: ‘polite’ is about the way you speak, ‘no’ is about your view.
By Assertive Way
Saying “no” can be very uncomfortable for those who want to be liked by others and seek constant validation. Those types of people sometimes avoid saying “no” to not sound impolite or hurt the other’s feelings.
The problem is when we don’t say “no” we disregard our own feelings, needs and wishes, and may end up feeling frustrated and taken advantage of.
When we don’t say “no” we disregard our own feelings, needs and wishes.
I was part of a group that required many volunteers to keep it running. They asked me if I could take on a volunteering role. That was not my priority at the time. I needed to stay focused on other things.
Here is how the dialogue with the President of the group went:
- President: “Could you take in this role? It’s perfect for you and we really need your help”.
- Me smiling: “No, it’s not possible”.
- President: “It’s really easy, don’t worry we will help you. We just need someone in the role, it will help us achieve xyz”.
- Me smiling: “I understand, it really isn’t possible”.
- President: “You are the best person here for this”.
- Me smiling: “Thanks, but I can’t do it. Perhaps another year”.
- President: “But we count on you. We need you now”.
- Me smiling: “I’m sure the group can do without me”.
- President: “Ok, but if you ever change your mind let me know”.
- Me smiling: “Ok, I will”.
Politeness and saying “no” are two very different things. Politeness is about the way you speak, “no” is about you and your perspective.
Saying “no” politely will also help you build your confidence. You will notice you can stand up for yourself and not be rejected. You can be assertive and still be liked. You can be authentic and still be respected.
Here are many signs of politeness during a conversation, even when you say “No”:
- You listen
- You smile
- You make eye contact
- You speak in conversational tone
- You acknowledgewhat they say
- You empathize
- You don’t interruptthem
- You don’t use sarcasm
- You don’t insult
- You don’t blameothers
Politeness and saying “no” are two very different things. Politeness is about the way you speak, “no” is about you and your perspective.
If you do those things, you act polite. If you act polite like a lady or gentleman, others have no legitimate reason to get upset at you. Because you are treating them with respect.
The “no” is yours. It is about you. It’s a statement that describes your inner world. No one can take that away from you. If you said “yes” unwillingly then you’d be disrespecting yourself.
“When you say ‘Yes’ to others, make sure you are not saying ‘No’ to yourself.” – Paulo Coelho, Brazilian novelist