Focus more on long-term gains than on short-term pains.
By Assertive Way
How can I overcome and confront my fear of confrontation?
Our real fear is not confrontation, but rejection and judgement. We want to belong and get along. We want to stay away from hostile people and situations.
Surveys point out that the top fear of most people is the fear of public speaking.
Most of us can avoid public speaking, but we can’t avoid confrontation. Confrontation is inevitable, unless we live like a hermit in a cave secluded from society.
“Confrontation is healthy because it clears the air very quickly” says Bill Parcells, an American former football coach.
Large fires can cause haze, decrease visibility and increase air pollution to a point where it is not advised to stay outside. However, after one heavy rain the air feels fresh, clear and light again.
Confrontation is like that heavy rain. When done properly, it clears out all the haze, dirt and smoke.
Confrontation is like that heavy rain. When done properly, it clears out all the haze, dirt and smoke. The relationship becomes stronger and the problem get solved.
There are only two ways to handle a confrontation. One is to face it, and the other one is to evade it. Evasion can take the shape of never showing up for the conversation, being silent, being over accommodating at our own cost, or doing whatever it takes to wrap-up that uncomfortable situation as fast as possible.
When we don’t overcome that fear and confront the situation, we shut down and do what others want OR we do what we want by manipulating others.
So how do you overcome your fear of confrontation?
Our minds are programmed to avoid the short-term pains more strongly than to pursue the long-term gains.
Our minds are programmed to avoid the short-term pains more strongly than to pursue the long-term gains.
Here are 5 strategies to reprogram your brain to be more receptive to the long-term gains of stepping up to confrontation and to place the short-term pains in perspective.
Give it a better name
If you don’t like confrontation and you think about an issue as a confrontation, you will feed the fear.
One way out of this thinking pattern is to rename confrontation to something else that is not associated with fear. For example, problem solving, negotiation, clarification, strategic alignment. Choose your new word. Then say to yourself every time you fear confrontation.
Don’t take it personally
What people say is usually a perspective on a specific situation at a specific time, often as a response to an emotion like fear. What you feel is a personal attack may be a self-defense strategy if the other person feels threatened.
Even if someone’s comment against you is personal, just remember that all people have biases, preconceived notions, and blind spots. Whatever they say is not a truth, but their version and views of the world.
Plan for the worst-case scenarios
Write down the worst-case scenarios for the confrontation, then think about how likely they are to happen, and finally plan what you would do in each situation.
You may notice that your fears are catastrophic and unrealistic. You may also notice that even for those crazy scenarios, there may be a reasonable way out.
Write down the potential upside
How will you feel after you have the desired conversation? What if you reach the outcome you desire, how will that make you feel? How will it benefit you and others?
Confrontation is just like going to the doctor or dentist. You know it will be unpleasant for a short while, but it will fix many issues and prevent problems in the future.
Start by highlighting the mutual goal
You can create a more positive atmosphere at the start by communicating the mutually shared goals with the other parties involved. You do this by momentarily elevating the discussion from everyday facts and opinions to a more high-level altruistic goal like ensuring everyone is happy, productive, or fulfilled. After the intentions are out of the way, you can then get into the nitty gritty of the problem.
Reduce your fear of confrontation by focusing on the long-term gains and diminishing the perceived short-term pains.
Reduce your fear of confrontation by focusing on the long-term gains and diminishing the perceived short-term pains. Give it a better name, don’t take it personally, plan for the worst-case scenarios, write down the potential upside, and start by highlighting the mutual goals. The quicker you can make confrontation part of your life, the less stressful the confrontation and your life, will be.
“You can’t change what you refuse to confront” – John Spence, American musician