Tricks to excuse yourself with grace.
By Assertive Way
How do you politely excuse yourself from a conversation you are not interested in?
Have you been stuck in a conversation you are not interested in? You might know some people who speak very fast or non-stop. They may share their life story as soon as you meet and hardly stop to breath. They may just be very expressive and talkative. They may be trying to be friendly and connect with you. They may be uncomfortable with silence and feel the need to fill in the conversation voids. Or you just have a hard time excusing yourself from any conversation.
Whatever the reason behind their chatting, sometimes we’re just not interested or have other priorities. We might feel stuck in these one-sided conversations and not know how to end it without being rude. We may want to protect our limited time, but struggle to politely exit.
Isn’t it the right thing to listen to our friends and colleagues? Isn’t it advised to listen more and speak less? Isn’t it selfish to leave when others are speaking with so much excitement? Do you feel guilty interrupting others’ ideas and stories? Do you feel they will be offended and upset at you if you excuse yourself?
I wanted to be a good listener. But the more I listened to others speak when I was not interested, the more I felt used and the more I disliked them.
I felt this emotional confusion often. I wanted to be a good listener. But the more I listened to others speak when I was not interested, the more I felt used and the more I disliked them.
A while back, we hosted a party for 40 people at home. I wanted to welcome guests, manage food and drinks, and mingle. At least that was the plan. The first guests arrived. They were very animated and chatty. Soon, other guests started arriving and I didn’t feel comfortable excusing myself from the first guests. When I finally got to the next group, I felt stuck with them again, and this continued. The result was that I only talked to a little more than half of the guests, I didn’t greet most of them when they arrived, and I didn’t serve much of the food and drinks!
Here is what doesn’t work
Over the years I tried many subtle and not so subtle escape tactics. I tried the silence or short answer, the uninterested unexpressive flat face, the standing up and “I want to leave” body language, tilting my body and feet away from the speaker, the “I’m annoyed” voice tone, and the slowly taking steps back towards the door. None of those indirect but aggressive strategies worked because they were confusing. What worked was a lot simpler: being direct and respectful.
Why you absolutely have to deal with it.
There is nothing more precious than your time. Your time is your life. Just think about how many activities you don’t do because you don’t have enough time. Be unapologetic about protecting your time. Once I started to look at it from the time protection point of view, it became much easier to set boundaries and say “No”, politely.
When a “talker” realizes that you are willing to listen, they will assume you are enjoying the conversation and talk more.
This is not about not listening to others. It is about listening when you want to listen. Don’t listen just because you don’t have the courage to excuse yourself or take control of the conversation. Listen because you care and because it is deliberate, with people that matter to you, at a time and place that are convenient for you.
When a “talker” realizes that you are willing to listen, they will assume you are enjoying the conversation and talk more.
Here is what you can do:
First, realize if you are not enjoying the conversation because if feels one sided.
Second, decide how important the relationship is to you.
Third, decide if you want to stay in the conversation and participate more, or if you want to abandon it.
If you decide you want to stay in the conversation and participate more, you’ll need to shift it to something you are interested in and can talk about. Take advantage of a short pause and start talking. Interrupt if needed to get the conversation back on track. You can also help others get to the point by asking questions like “what did you learn with that?” or“how did it end?” or“so in summary …?”.
If you decide to abandon the conversation, be direct in a normal conversational tone and say something like: “I’d love to continue talking but I have some things to take care of now”. Then go, don’t give them the opportunity to try to engage you again in conversation. Sometimes when you say you need to leave, they might use the temporary tactic of asking you a question or praising you to keep you from leaving. Stick to your plan. If you value the relationship just add reassuring words like: “it was great catching up with you, I’d love to talk more, but I need to deal with some things. I’ll get in touch later for us to continue this conversation”.If they start talking again do just say: “I really have to go / do something now. Talk to you later”. And then go.
If you are in a networking event, I’ve heard networkers just say: “it was great to meet you, now I’m going to keep mingling. Talk to you later”. Nothing wrong about stating the truth. After all that is what networking events are for.
If you are in a meeting, redirect the conversation to the agenda: “that is interesting and we can get to that at a different time, but we have a lot to cover so let’s get back to the agenda…”.
Also, prevention is king. Next time you talk to that person, before they start give them a heads up on how much time you have for the conversation:“I can talk for 10 min before I need to wrap up and leave”. I recommend setting an alarm, so you don’t have to keep looking at the clock or interrupt to let them know the time is up. The alarm with do it for you. When the time is up, remind them you need to leave and that you will talk to them later (if you wish).
In certain situations, you can also redirect the channel of your communication.For example, if someone calls you often, you can say you prefer email, text messaging or audio messages. Text or audio messaging gives you more control over the conversation. You can reply when you want, listen to the parts that interest you, and multi-task – listening to it while you wash dishes or go for a walk. It also helps the other person to be more direct.
When I started being direct, honest and took control over my time, I no longer got anxious when I met talkative people. I also found talkative people approached me less often, and when they did chat, they’d be more succinct.
“Time is what we want most, but what we use worst” William Penn