Guidelines for a conversation about respect with your boss.
By Assertive Way
How do I tell my boss to act and talk respectfully to me?
According to a HBR article, half of employees don’t feel respected by their bosses.
If you ever felt that your boss acted or talked to you in a non-respectful way, read on.
Perhaps your boss criticized you in front of others, treated you unprofessionally, didn’t provide feedback after you’ve requested it, or routinely asks you to pick up their lunch or coffee.
Perhaps it’s something more subtle, like not inviting you to certain meetings or speaking to you in a derogatory tone. Whatever it is, only you can determine if it makes you feel disrespected. If it does, you’ll need to set boundaries.
Feeling disrespected can reduce your motivation and make coming to work a really unpleasant experience. It can also make you feel uncomfortable around your boss.
Feeling disrespected can reduce your motivation and make coming to work a really unpleasant experience.
Most people managers aren’t properly trained on people management skills. They may not notice or even care about disrespect. Sometimes they care but are unaware of how doing or not doing something made you feel.
Whatever you think their intention is, it is always best to avoid any accusation or judgement, which is hard to do when we are upset.
It is easier to take action before the emotions escalate. The earlier you deal with an uncomfortable situation, the easier it will be to sort it out effectively and without accusations. It also communicates your boundaries, limiting future disrespectful actions towards you.
In this article you will find guidelines you can adopt to have a more effective conversation with your boss about respectful treatment.
Preparation with specifics
Write down specific recent situations that made you feel disrespected by your boss. Try to write the situation in factual language, that is, what actually happed and not your interpretation of it.
Avoid situations that happened more than a few months back. You may remember them, but your boss won’t. Keep it current. When ready, request a meeting to talk to your boss.
Confident body language
Remain calm and in control of your emotions with deep breathing. Act with confidence even if you don’t feel confident. Adopt an open posture and maintain eye contact. Speak in a firm but non-judgmental tone. That way you will be taken seriously.
Neutral location & diagonal seating
Choose a neutral private location for the meeting, like a meeting room. Avoid the boss’s office. Try to sit diagonally across the boss if possible. When you sit across the table, it signals confrontation. Diagonal seating signals collaboration.
Factual and non-judgmental conversation
Thank the boss for their time. Share the specific situation you observed as facts. Don’t hint your boss did something wrong. Your definition of respectful may differ from your boss. Then, share how those situations make you feel uncomfortable. The goal is to communicate your boundaries and have them respected.
Once you’ve shared the information, remain silent for a moment while the boss processes the information. He or she may be very surprised with it. Resist the urge to fill in the silence, even if it is uncomfortable. Give the boss enough time to think, react and respond.
Appreciative ending
If your boss responded well to the comment, you can offer an alternative or solution. Share positive examples of what type of treatment you appreciate. Before ending the meeting, make sure you thank your boss for their time and for being understanding. Let them know how much you value working with him or her.
Don’t proceed if at any point you sense your boss is getting defensive. A defensive attitude means they are not open for positive change. You’ll have to work on the defensiveness first by addressing the relationship and feedback process with your boss.
You deserve to be treated with respect.
You deserve to be treated with respect. First, clarify what respect means to you. Then, take note of specific situations that you dislike, adopt a confident posture and eye contact, choose a neutral location for the meeting, be factual and non-judgmental during the conversation, and end with appreciation.
“You can’t force a person to show respect, but you can refuse to be disrespected” – Wisdom Healing Center