Welcome to the 10-day Assertive and Liked Email Challenge!

I’m excited that you accepted this challenge!

CLICK here for your welcome audio.

WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN?

For the next 10 days you’ll get 1 email a day with a lesson and a challenge that will help you write an assertive and likable hard conversation script. 

This is a course designed as a challenge for smart, busy, ambitious professionals.

WHY YOU NEED TO BE ASSERTIVE & LIKED

It feels good to be liked and it’s also important to get ahead in your career.

Being assertive allows you to be heard, respected, and taken seriously while simultaneously being respectful. It helps you get more of what you want, protect your time and energy, and be seen as competent, credible, leadership material.

Being liked is also an important part of preserving relationships and being considered for high visibility work, promotions, sponsorship, and other career boosting opportunities. Because people support those the know, like, and trust.

By the end of this challenge, you won’t have to choose between speaking your mind assertively and being liked anymore.

With 10 days and 10 minutes a day, you’ll learn the essence of how to be both likable and assertive and design your very first assertive and likable speaking up SCRIPT!

YOU NEED A SCRIPT

It is important to script important conversations before you have them.

If you are caught off guard with a big request, criticism, or bad news, you don’t have to respond in the moment. Let the other person know you’ll get back to them. Then think, plan, and SCRIPT!

You don’t have to memorize your script or read it out loud. NOOOOO.

Think of your script as your plan and guide. It helps you figure out what to say and what not to say, so that when you are live having the hard conversation with all the emotional ups and downs, you still say 80% of the right things, and get results!

HOW TO GET INSTANT MOMENTUM IN THIS CHALLENGE

HI, I’M IVNA CURI!

👩🏻 Let me introduce myself!

I’m an INSEAD MBA, Forbes contributor, have worked across several continents, an managed several teams in analytics. And my passion is to help people find and use their personal power through speaking up assertively.

My organization, AssertiveWay.com, helps organizations advance professionals by training them on how to speak up with assertive communication without coming across as aggressive or difficult so they can be taken seriously, be respected, and contribute at a higher capacity. We provide talks, experiential workshops, and trainings both online and in person.

MORE RESOURCES PLEASE!

If you are excited and want to keep going, here some additional free resources for you:

Speak Your Mind Unapologetically Podcast

Quiz – find out your communications style at work

Quiz – find out your appreciation language at work

Other free resources

Ready?!

Welcome to day 1 of the “10-Day Assertive & Likable Challenge”!

What do you really want?

A palliative nurse who has counseled the dying in their last days has revealed the most common regrets we have at the end of our lives.

Guess what was the top 1 regret of all??

• “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”

Therefore, to be assertive, you need to know your perspectives, intentions, priorities, boundaries, needs, dreams, goals, desires, likes, dislikes…

 

Let’s work on it!

 

In this lesson, you’ll get clear on your vision, desires and one big goal you have.

CLICK HERE for today’s audio lesson.

 

➡️ Principles for Success

Allow yourself to dream again

Envision the positive emotions, feelings, impact, self-confidence, and lifestyle

Say goodbye to self-judgement, self-doubt, or self-loathing for this exercise.

➡️ Visioning – Find Your Speaking Up Why

Step 1 – List your:

Priorities in life and at work and as a leader…
Boundaries needed to preserve those priorities…
Needs that when met make you thrive,  happy, productive, and a great leader…
Big dreams that you have…
Goals for this year, this quarter, this month…
Desires, things that you like and want to be, have, or achieve…

Consider:

Your IKIGAI (Japanese word for “reason for being” which is the reason you go to work everyday).

What success means to you.

What meaningful work relationships look like for you.

 

Step 2 – Choose one item from your list above that would help solve many of the other challenges you have.

What is your top goal at work this year?

 

Step 3 – For the chosen goal from Step 2, indicate one or more people who can help you or that is preventing you from getting what you want.

For example:
Goal – Get good at making strong presentations to better sell my ideas.
Person – My boss or a person in my company that makes great presentations.

 

➡️ Your turn:

What is your top goal at work this year? Who can help you achieve that goal?

➡️ DO’S & DON’TS

DO’S

Have fun! This is all about dreaming about living your best life, having your best career, and maximum impact. It’s about what you need to be the best version of yourself.

 

Flow! Let yourself flow: put some music on, find your favorite ”me” spot in your house, café, or outdoors, and explore yourself.

 

Write or audio record. Try talking to yourself by recording it as a voice memo or write it down. No need to be highly structured here, this is for you, not show and tell.

Choose a spot, set a timer, get your laptop, phone, or pen and paper to take verbal or written notes and GO!

 

Repeat exercise once per quarter to stay on track with your inner desires.

 

DON’TS

 

Consider restraints – Don’t restrain yourself based on perceived limitations like “he’ll never let me do that” or “I won’t be able” or “It’s not realistic” or judgements like “It’s not right to want to earn this compensation at my age.”

 

Don’t edit or limit yourself based on what other people think.

 

Delete SHOULD, MUST, CAN’T from your vocabulary

➡️ 1st STEP

 

Schedule 5 to 20 min on your calendar for this exercise in the next 48 hours.

 

And get your visioning done!

 

This can be as lengthy or short as you’d like. 

To keep it short, focus on only 1 goal. If you have more time, do more. The important thing is to get started.

 

I’ll see you in tomorrow’s lesson!

The world needs to hear what you have to say.

Ivna 

Welcome to day 2 of the “10-Day Assertive & Likable Challenge”!

From day 1, you now have a vision for yourself and for your career. You have a primary goal. And you know who can help you with that primary goal. Excellent!

Now, it’s time to decide on whom to activate and for what purpose.

It’s time to choose your breakthrough conversation!

CLICK HERE for today’s audio lesson.

Principles for Success

 Hard speaking up conversations are breakthrough moments. Use them!

How you interact with and leverage people around you is the secret to reaching your goals in a better and faster way. Include them in your plans!

A vision is nothing without action. People can help you quickly gain momentum and confidence towards your dreams, goals, and creating more value for your team and your organization.

Breakthrough Conversation – Decide Your Speaking Up Conversation

Step 1 – Decide on the person you want to activate with your speaking up moment, someone that can help you move faster towards your goal.

Boss
Other superiors in your company
Mentors and advisors
Coworkers
Weak tie networks
Business partners
Clients
Friends
Ex-professors
Employees
Boss or co-workers from past jobs
Students from your college
Your role model 

Step 2 – Choose what type of conversation you’d have with them to advance your goals.

OPINIONS

Disagree politely redirect conversation and decisions

Get clarification align on expectations

Share your view in meetings position yourself and contribute more

Deal with interruptions get your point across, be heard, and seen

 

EXPESSION

Express how you feel (including negative emotions)  to elicit more empathy and understanding from others

Express how you feel (positive emotions for others)   to better connect and build trust

Express your likes and dislikes  to show others how to best interact with you

Express your passion  to drive energy and define your personal brand

Express your personality  to be authentic

 

FEEDBACK

Give constructive feedback  to empower and develop others

Give positive feedback  to connect and motivate others

Receive criticism well  to grow and align expectations

Receive compliments  to get even more appreciation

 

REQUESTS

Say no respectfully  to protect your time and energy, protect your team

Ask for opportunities, resources, mentorship, trainings, time, autonomy  to get more of what you need to thrive, increase your impact, and to support your team and clients

Ask for a promotion or salary increase  to grow faster and get paid what your work is worth

Offer help without giving away too much  to be helpful without hurting yourself

 

CAREER

Self-promote  to be recognized, have more impact, and get ahead faster

Defend your rights  to protect yourself

Network reach-outs and asks  to access and tap into more resources and people

Manage up  to develop positive and useful relationships with superiors

 

ADVOCACY

Negotiate on behalf of others  to support others

Negotiate for yourself  to defend your interests

Influence  to modify others behaviors in  honest way

Be decisive  to gain more momentum

 

CONFLICT

Deliver negative news gracefully (to boss, team, client)  to be honest so others can plan their next steps

Handle disrespectful behavior for self preservation and self-respect

Confront and handle conflict  to resolve differences

Take charge in emergencies  to have better outcomes

Your turn:

Choose the speaking up breakthrough conversation you’d like to have and the person you’d have it with.

DO’S & DON’TS

DO’S

 Choose something meaningful. That way you’ll stay motivated and have more courage to speak your mind!

Consider people you know and don’t know! No one is off limits. 

 Don’t choose something too risky. After all, you are still learning. We want to avoid paralysis! You’ll get a chance to do that after you’ve learned and practiced a few times. For now, better not ask for a raise just yet. 

 Don’t choose someone you’re unlikely to speak to. It’s best to pick someone you have a good chance of reaching (vs. the president of the country or an elf!)

1st STEP

 Choose a person who can support your goal.

Well done! Now you have your speaking up moment to prepare for. I’ll see you in the next lesson.

The world needs to hear what you have to say.

Ivna 

Welcome to day 3 of the “10-Day Assertive & Likable Challenge”!

What level of connection do you have with the person you choose to speak to? What level of connection do you need?

Conversations are always easier and more effective when you have a connection with the person you are talking to.

Connect even though you are different just like in peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

CLICK HERE for today’s audio lesson.

Have you been in a tense conversation with someone you have a wonderful relationship with? What about with someone you have a bitter relationship with? It’s very different…

If you are in a longer term relationship with someone (like with a boss or coworker that you can’t easily get rid of) as opposed to a transactional relationship like speaking to your Uber driver of the day, then connection is an important consideration. 

Build Goodwill

Building connection builds goodwill.

Goodwill helps people know that you are not attacking them when you speak up. It helps build trust too.

Intentionally spend time building the connection with all people you interact with. That will not only feel great, but also if you need to initiate a harder conversation with them or ask for something, it will flow a lot more naturally.

➡️ Principles for Success

➡️ PB&J Connection – Create Connection

✔️ Plan some ways to connect:

1. Build rapport.
2. Show interest in them as a person.
3. Be interested in what they have to say.
4. Give genuine compliments.
5. Spend time together.
6. Find things in common.
7. Ask for they opinion or advice.
8. Honor their differences.
9. Share more about yourself, including your vulnerabilities, passions, and values.
10. Add value to them.
11. Uplift them.
12. Appreciate them.
13. Demonstrate empathy.

➡️ DO’S & DON’TS

DO’S

The world needs to hear what you have to say.

Ivna 

Welcome to day 4 of the “10-Day Assertive & Likable Challenge”!

Are you making relationship killing assumptions?

Assumptions are the termites of relationships, according to Henry Winkler. Why? Because they slowly but surely destroy good relationships.

CLICK HERE for today’s audio lesson (start from 9:55 if you only have 10 min).

I assumed that my boss didn’t want me to come to meetings with senior stakeholders so that he could stay in control and so that I wouldn’t be a threat to his career. I was upset at him for holding me back. But I never told him that I wanted more exposure. One day I finally told him that I wanted to be in those meetings with senior stakeholders. Within a few months he had me run five important weekly meetings with his peers and superiors that he was previously in charge of.

I assumed a team member lacked commitment at work because she was coming in later than others. But she was dealing with a sick child.

I assumed all my team members wanted to get promoted and therefore pushed them to do things to earn the promotion. But many of them didn’t want to move up. They wanted work-life balance.

I assumed all my team members wanted more autonomy. After all, I liked autonomy and articles say that everyone wants autonomy. But later I realized many of them wanted more of my time to help them with a detailed structure of their work plus frequent follow up and feedback.

I assumed a team member would be overwhelmed with a large to do list, so I gave her one task at a time. Many years later, when I went off on vacation and handed her a big to do list, she said, “Thank you, I feel a lot more motivated and efficient with larger lists of tasks. When I only have one task at a time, I work slowly so that I won’t be out of work.”

Assumptions are what you use when you don’t communicate.

Albert Einstein once said, “Assumptions are made, and most assumptions are wrong.” And what’s worse, they are usually intended to make others look bad and to make you look good.

They are wrong because they are myopic, they are based on a guessing game with partial biased information – only your side.

 

What are assumptions after all?

 

Assumptions are guesses we make and believe in. Assumptions are a thing that we accept as true or as certain to happen, without proof. We make these guesses because it’s easier.

 

When you have incomplete information to make sense of a situation, you look for explanations yourself instead of asking questions.

 

So you jump to conclusions that seem real to you. You may even act on those false conclusions like I did with my team members: giving them more autonomy than they wanted, pushing them for promotion when they wanted work-life balance, or giving them one task at a time when they wanted a larger list.

 

Your interpretation of what you observe comes from you past experiences, biases, and fears.

 

These guessing games can kill even the best relationships.

They create a lot of misunderstanding, conflict, and tension.

 

Why?

Because we don’t have the truth. We assume something as true when it’s not. And we become blind to the other person’s perspective.  Then we treat them as if they have bad character, bad intentions, or bad judgement.

 

 

Why do we make such bad assumptions?

 

We make bad assumption because of:

 

Fear (of conflict, being silly, of confirming what we don’t want to hear)

Victim mindset (“poor me” thinking, “I’m the good one, you’re the wrong one” mentality)

Confirmation bias (we look for evidence of what we believe in and ignore evidence of the opposite)

 

 

In this lesson, you’ll uncover the assumptions being made.

CLICK HERE for today’s audio lesson (start from 9:55 if you only have 10 min).

Principles for Success

Take responsibility for making yourself understood.

Avoid unnecessary resentment and negativity by seeking clarity.

When you experience worry, frustration, rumination, negative self-talk, blame, excuses… examine your assumptions.

Assumption Termites – Find Your Bad Assumptions

Step 1 – For the speaking up moment you have in mind, find assumptions about your understanding of the other person:

Assumption 1 – Why they behave in a certain way

“He did that because he dislikes me and wants to punish me. I’ll have to live with that.”

Assumption 2 – Their intent towards you

“He wants to damage my reputation. What a bad person!”

Assumption 3 – What they expect from you

“She wants me to show my commitment by working 12 hrs a day. I better do it then.”

Assumption 4 – What they think/feel about you or the situation

“I can tell she thinks I failed in this project. I better stay quiet.”

Assumption 5 – How they’ll respond

“He’s going to retaliate and hurt me if I disagree.”

 

 

Step 2 – For the speaking up moment you have in mind, find assumptions about others’ understanding of you:

 

Assumption 6 – Why you behave in a certain way

“He knows I’m not asking questions to respect his authority.”

 

Assumption 7 – What your intent is

“He knows I want him to succeed, so why bother saying it.”

 

Assumption 8 – What you expect of them

“Right now I really want her to be more encouraging, not tell me where I can improve. But she keeps being harsh.”

 

Assumption 9 – What you want

“She will give me a promotion if I show I work hard. So I’ll work harder than everyone else.”

 

Assumption 10 – What you need

“I need more resources. But my boss knows it and I don’t think she can help me. Better not mention it.”

 

Assumption 11 – How you feel

“He should know that what he’s doing is a micro-aggression and that it will hurt me. How insensitive of him.”

 

Step 3 – Consider how you can eliminate those bad assumptions:

 

To reveal the layers beneath the surface, try one of these:

Ask clarifying questions

“What is important for you right now?”

Explain your perspective

“My goal is to …. and the reason is ….”

Consider other possibilities

“What is a possible and plausible reason for a perfectly reasonable person to say this?”

 

 

Your turn:

List the relevant assumptions you may be making about the person you want to have a conversation with or about what they know about you. Then, consider what you can ask or say to get to the bottom of it.

DO’S & DON’TS

DO’S

Get curious! When you are curious about the other person, it’s easy to kill assumptions (instead of killing relationships with bad assumptions).

 

Clear it up! Hard conversations become incredibly easier when you clear out all the hidden internal drama ahead by eliminating assumptions. This preparation will make it easier to start the hard conversation.

 

Gamify it. Why not play a game with yourself. Whenever you are in a more tense conversation, start to imagine all the assumptions that might be happening.

 

DON’TS

 

You are not a bad person for having assumptions – Assumptions are normal and more common than you think. Replacing assumptions with open and honest conversations is a skill that you are learning now!

 

 

1st STEP

 

 Think about a single assumption you may be making.

 

If you got here, congrats!

When you understand assumptions, you gain power and you can have much better relationships in all aspects of your life.

Relationship termites… good bye!

 

See you tomorrow!

The world needs to hear what you have to say.

Ivna 

Welcome to day 5 of the “10-Day Assertive & Likable Challenge”!

This script is easy with this simple formula.

Here’s your assignment for today:

➡️ Script one important but scary conversation (your chosen breakthrough conversation) you want to have.

CLICK HERE for today’s audio lesson.

 ➡️ Principles for Success

✔️ Follow the script.

✔️ Focus on what you want, not on what you don’t want.

✔️ Incorporate information to remove assumptions about what the other person knows about you.

➡️ Assertive Skeleton – SCRIPT Your Breakthrough Conversation

We are getting to the moment of truth!

Using this simple 4-step assertiveness formula, you’ll be able to plan your conversation and speak up in a respectful, non-aggressive way.

“That way I can let our stakeholders know what to expect.”

How did it go?

How do you like your script so far?

Does it feel confident and right?

I’ll see you in tomorrow’s lesson for some detoxing!

The world needs to hear what you have to say.

Ivna 

Welcome to day 6 of the “10-Day Assertive & Likable Challenge”!

Are you coming across as hesitant , weak, or submissive?

CLICK HERE for today’s audio lesson.

My parents taught me that saying “sorry” was the polite thing to do.

Then, as an adult, I was saying things like:

• “Sorry, but I need to eat.”
• “Sorry, I have a different view.”
• “Sorry, I’m in your way.”

The reality is that many of us try to be polite, friendly, and kind in the wrooooooong way!!!

We don’t differentiate real politeness from sending doormat signs left and right.

It becomes a bad, bad habit.

In this lesson, you’ll remove weak hesitant language from your script.

Principles for Success

Differentiate friendliness from weakness. They are not the same thing.

Language Detox – Declutter Your Language from Weakness

 Look for the following weakening elements in your script: 

Mistake #1 – Apologize

Do you apologize for your opinion or for what you want?

When you say “sorry” you appear less confident, less capable, and less sure of yourself.

Apologizing when you disagree or are making a request does not demonstrate politeness. It costs you respect and credibility and invites others to challenge you.

Even when you make a mistake, it’s often better to frame it as an opportunity to learn and change rather than an apology. If you apologize, make it simple and avoid over-apologizing.

Here are some examples of things to not apologize for.

• Asking a question: “I’m sorry, but I have a question.”
• Disagreement: “I’m sorry, but I have a different view.” or “I’m sorry, but I have another idea.”
• Bothering other people: “I’m sorry to bother you…”
• Request: “I’m sorry, but I want to ask you a favor.”
• Mistake: “I’m soooo sorry I made this mistake, I promise I will never ever make it again.”

Mistake #2 – Minimize your view

Do you minimize what you are about to say with credibility tentative undermining introductions to what you have to say? For example:

• “I’m not sure but…”
• “I’m not an expert but…”
• “This is not a great idea but…”
• “I might be wrong but…”
• “This is probably stupid but…”
• “You may not agree but…”
• “Here’s my half-baked idea…”

Mistake #3 – Say “just” or “actually” or “possibly”

Remove the adverb “just” in your workplace vocabulary when it signifies “perhaps” or “possibly” because it comes across as lacking confidence, certainty, and as not very important.

For example,

• “This is just an idea.”
• “I’d just like to say that…”
• “That would potentially help me.”
• “It could potentially benefit the project.”

Another word to remove is “actually” as in “I actually think differently.”  Instead jump straight into your comment.

Mistake #4 – Stop speaking when interrupted by default

If you get interrupted, do you lower your volume, look away, or stop your sentence halfway through by default?

When you do that, you’re signaling hesitation and “listen to them, their opinion is more important than mine because they are more important than me.”

And that will invite others to keep interrupting you repeatedly.

Finish your sentence in full normal volume without looking down.

Mistake #5 – Ask for permission

Do you ask for permission to do what you need to do to be successful if it doesn’t hurt anyone?

Those who ask for permission are seen as less powerful, less competent, and subordinate.

Avoid using “Can I..”, “May I…”, and “Is it ok if I …”

Instead, communicate what you think, want, or will do.

When you ask for permission, you increase the chances of others saying no. If the other person has an issue with it, they will let you know. You can always respond to people’s reactions afterwards.

Here are 5 examples of when not to ask for permission and what to say instead.

• Opinion
  • “Can I share my view?”
  • Instead, share your opinion in meetings and gatherings even if there are more senior people in the room.
  • “I’ve observed that…”
• Opportunities
  • “May I participate on this project.”
  • Instead of asking for permission to engage in new opportunities, either state how you’ll get involved, what value you can add, or how you feel about it.
  • “I’d love to work on this project.”
  • “Here’s how I can help out with this project.”
• Requests
  • “Is it ok if I ask you for something?”
  • Instead, simply ask for what you want and let them decide if they will assist you or not. It’s your right to ask.
  • “I have something to ask you.”
  • “I’d really appreciate if you …”
• Decisions
  • “Can I have the day off?”
  • If you have personal time available, firmly express your intention, ideally with a good notice period.
  • “I’m planning on taking this day off.”
  • “I need this day off.”
  • “I’d like this day off.”
• Raise
  • “Can I have a raise?”
  • A request like this comes across as immature and entitled.
  • Instead, you’ll be in a much stronger position if you build a case for a raise or promotion.
  • “Here’s why I am ready for this position.”

Mistake #6 – Introduce your opinions

Do you ever start with:

• “I think that…”
• “I feel that…”
• “My opinion is…” ?

These introductions make you seem as if you don’t have expertise and lack decisiveness.

Whenever you speak, it is assumed that it is your opinion, unless you state otherwise. Therefore, you don’t need to explain that you are about to share your perspective.

Directly stating your perspective is more powerful, looks more confident, and gets other people’s attention.

Instead, say what you have to say directly or start with a more powerful statement such as:

• “I expect that…”
• “I’m convinced that…”
• “I’m sure that…”
• “I am certain that…”
• “I know that…”
• “My research shows that…”

Mistake #7 – Use tags

Do you use tags? Tags are questions attached to the end of a statement like:

• “This is the way forward, isn’t it?”
• “We need to focus on this, ok?”

Tags imply the need for confirmation or approval, which can be interpreted as  lacking confidence.

Another variation of tag is “Am I making sense?” which may imply that you are not in fact making sense and don’t know what you are talking about. Instead ask, “What is your view?”

Mistake #8 – Over-justify

Do you over-justify your opinions, mistakes, behaviors, or choices?

• Made a mistake?
• Arrived late?
• Missed a deadline?
• Fell short of their expectations?
• Want to take time off?
• Need to leave early?
• Changed your mind around an important decision?

Don’t beat yourself up, sacrifice yourself unnecessarily, or over-justify it. Not only will it look like an excuse, but it will give others reason to challenge you more.

Give one simple justification. Choose your favorite one. Keep it short. And move on. Don’t dwell on it.

Mistake #9 – Uptalk

Do you uptalk? Uptalk (also called upspeak) is rising the intonation / pitch at the end of your declarative statement as if it were a question.

For example:

• “I’m going to take the day off?”
• “We should go forward with this?”
• “I don’t like how you treated me?”

For many, it undermines your authority because it sounds like you are asking a question. It comes across as insecure and unprofessional.

Instead, finish your statement as a statement, not as a question.

Mistake #10 – Being too brief to not take up space

Many people feel uncomfortable bringing attention to themselves. Therefore the try to be as brief as possible, almost like they are whispering with their language, body language and tone.

Unfortunately, they cut off so much information that the message is not understood and also shows that you don’t feel like you have the right to take up time space. Which signals you see yourself as “inferior” to others around you.

And that is simply not true. No matter your title, age, gender, race.

Being brief means not repeating the same point over and over again. Being brief does not mean cutting off important information to convey your point.

Go through your script and look for anything that conveys hesitation or weakness. Then, remove it!

➡️ DO’S & DON’TS

DO’S

Read out loud. Test reading your script with the weak language and without it. Do you notice a shift in your power?

Worry about sounding friendly.  We are going to tackle the warm element later!

 Worry about styling the language to look like you. You can add your personality in later.

 Read your script once looking for anything that sounds hesitant.

I’ll see you in tomorrow’s lesson!

The world needs to hear what you have to say.

Ivna 

Welcome to day 7 of the “10-Day Assertive & Likable Challenge”!

Are you coming across as aggressive?

CLICK HERE for the audio lesson.

That’s the top question people have when it comes to being more assertive.

And the truth is sometimes we unintentionally say things that make us come across as aggressive, especially when we are upset, frustrated, and emotional.

I’ve made all of these common assertive communication newbie mistakes too!

But… if you learn them now, you can save yourself these painful errors and frustration!

The problem with coming across as aggressive is that it makes people:

• More defensive
• Less likely to collaborate
• Upset with you
• More likely to retaliate

Part of being assertive is getting the other person to collaborate with you.

That’s why this step matters. And that’s why scripting is incredibly helpful in the beginning of your assertive & likable journey. It helps you  gain full appreciation for what is really happening in the communication and how to make it better.

Later, all of this will come automatically to you and you won’t even need to script ahead!

➡️ Principles for Success

➡️ Remove What Makes You Come Across As Aggressive

Here are 5 of the most common mistakes people make when they speak up that comes across as aggressive or rude.

➡️ DO’S & DON’TS

DO’S

You’re making amazing progress!

I’ll see you in tomorrow’s lesson for a very fun part of the script!

The world needs to hear what you have to say.

Your empowering cheerleader,

Ivna 

Welcome to day 8 of the “10-Day Assertive & Likable Challenge”!

Welcome to day 9 of the “10-Day Assertive & Likable Challenge”!

Are your non-verbals reinforcing or discrediting what you want to communicate?

CLICK HERE for today’s audio lesson.

Once I had a training at my company where we were told to yell as loud as we could in the angriest tone we could to a large audience. If the audience didn’t think it looked angry enough or loud enough, including the person at the back of the room, we had to try again.

On my turn, I yelled my head off and simulated rage. But the audience didn’t feel the same way. So, I had to go again. Second try, still not loud or angry enough. Third try and it was barely accepted.

This was all recorded (unfortunately I can’t find the recording to show you!)

The point of this exercise was to show that sometimes we think we are yelling, being loud, and looking angry, but the audience doesn’t see it that way. You may feel you sound and look assertive, but others might find you look insecure. You might feel the heat on your cheeks, the blood circulating faster, the heart rate going up, but others may not see it in the same way.

Or the opposite, you may think you are being receptive and kind, and people think you look aggressive.

***

Once I told a friend, “Sorry I was aggressive, I get angry when I talk about this.”

My friend looked at me in utter confusion, “Aggressive? You look like this…” and made an exaggerated imitation of my closed off insecure body language and facial expressions and my mellow and scared tone of voice.

❌ Believe your non-verbals, not your words

❌ Distrust you

❌ Shut off and not be receptive to what you have to say

➡️ Principles for Success

➡️ Message Wrap – Layer Compatible Non-Verbals

✔️ Look for the following non-verbal elements in your script:
 

Mindset –

Assertiveness is calm. Likability is positive.  It is not compatible with resentfulness.

When an interaction triggers you or bothers you, address it before it becomes constant overthinking, rumination, and resentfulness which will highjack your positive non-verbals.

• Got vague criticism? Ask for clarification.
• Interrupted multiple times? Bring it up.
• Passed over for due promotion? Get feedback.

Body Language – 

Consider:

• How much space are you taking
• Posture
• Head position
• Arms and hands position
• Your gestures
• Your attire
• What you are doing with objects like pen, glasses, pockets

For example, head tilt can indicates you are listening, showing empathy, or interested, but can also come across as agreement or submission.

Voice – 

Consider:

• Tone
• Volume
• Depth
• Pace
• Pause
• Variability
• Clarity

For example, speaking fast can come across as hiding, passive, or as if you are rushing because you are uncomfortable taking up other people’s time.

Facial Expressions – 

Consider:

• Eye intensity
• Blinking
• Looking direction
• Eyebrow movements
• Mouth movements

For example, high frequency blinking comes across as less sure about yourself, lacking confidence, and passive.

➡️ DO’S & DON’TS

DO’S

The world needs to hear what you have to say.

Ivna 

Welcome to day 10 of the “10-Day Assertive & Likable Challenge”! Your final day….

Today’s lesson is all about adding your very own personality and style to your assertive & liked script!

This is all about you. Making it personal. Making it yours.

AUTHENTICITY.

➡️ In this lesson, you’ll make the script yours by layering in your own personality and style.

CLICK HERE for today’s audio lesson.

➡️ Principles for Success

✔️ Think about what your communicating style is.

✔️ Reflect on how you want to be known. What is your personal brand?

➡️ Communication Flair – Your Personality

✔️ Add your personality to your script:

• Funny
• Enthusiastic
• Patient
• Relaxed
• Methodic
• Caring
• Playful
• Serious
• Spontaneous
• Planned
• Focused
• Unstructured
• Goofy
• Pragmatic
• Precise
• Gentle
• Warm
• Thoughtful
• Curious
• Analytical
• Story-based
• Ample gestures
• Smile a lot
• …

Consider how much warm you add, how much you’ll talk about yourself, how much you’ll nod or engage.

Do you have a signature move like a special handshake, look, or gesture? Maybe you like to have these assertive likable conversations over coffee or in an office?

I know some people that like to start every conversation with their team with “how are you feeling today?” Other people start hard conversations with “I invite you to have an open mind.”

➡️ Your turn:

👉🏼 Review your script and add your personality in the words and non-verbals. Make it feel like you. 

➡️ DO’S & DON’TS

DO’S

✔️ Be yourself. Find your style. 

✔️ Experiment and iterate. Your style can change over time. Experimentation will help you find a more suitable style for your current you. 

DON’TS

✔️ Undo the essential elements you already worked on.  Keep the effectiveness of your text by honoring the key elements you learned in this challenge.

➡️ 1st STEP

✔️ Add one personalization element to your script.