Find out what is wrong with this old saying that is used by Thumper, the fictional Disney rabbit character.
By Assertive Way
There is an old saying that “if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all”. The quote is from Charles Caleb Colton, an eccentric English writer. However, it is best known from Thumper, the fictional rabbit character from Disney’s animated Bambi films.
Does the saying sound reasonable to you? It might make sense at first. After all, shouldn’t we be nice? And shouldn’t nice people only say nice things?
Being nice is not the same thing as not being aggressive or rude.
Being nice is not the same thing as not being aggressive or rude. I believe it’s always best to avoid aggressive, rude or disrespectful communication. But I don’t agree that we should always and only say nice things.
Let me first share the definition of “nice”: pleasant, agreeable, satisfactory. Should we only say pleasant and agreeable things?
Earlier in my life I tried to only say nice things, because I wanted to be a nice girl. I never criticized, I avoided any type of conflict or disagreement, and I allowed people to take advantage of me because I didn’t want to say “not nice” things.
Here are four problems with the quote.
It brings out the people pleaser
If you only say nice things, you will be acting as a “people pleaser”, which is not authentic and does not add a lot of value to yourself and to others.
If someone is disrespecting or attacking you, staying quiet or saying something nice will signal them to continue to treat you poorly. If you disagree with someone, saying nothing is not going to solve the disagreement nor leverage your ideas and creativity if problem solving.
It confuses intention with interpretation
“Nice” is not just about what the other person thinks about what you say. They might not consider your “no” nice, they might not like that you give constructive feedback, they might think it is not nice for you to ask for a promotion.
You don’t need to be “nice” to speak up. Instead, focus on your intentions. If your intention is to hurt, disrespect others, offend, gossip behind one’s back, judge overtly, blame, abuse, diminish, bully or lie, then it’s probably best to say nothing.
If your intent is negative, even if you “say nothing at all”, your facial expressions and actions may communicate your real intent.
However, if your intent is not to attack the other, and the other feels hurt, then you must remember that you cannot control other people’s feelings and it isn’t your responsibility to do so. If they have a problem with what you say, they also have the right to speak-up. That is how constructive dialogue happens.
It can be passive-aggressive
People who communicate passive-aggressively use silence or “saying nothing at all” as a weapon to attack others. They may use the silent treatment to secretly control and punish those who they disagree with.
Instead of confronting difficult conversations, openly expressing what they don’t like or what they want, these types of communicators act with silent hostility, in an attempt to get what they want.
Some people may smile quietly when in reality they are upset. They may try to avoid confrontation or malicious thoughts. But that doesn’t mean the upset will go away. That type of silence can cause negative emotional build up and harm relationships over time.
It limits communication and problem solving
If your intent is not to deliberately hurt someone else, there is no harm in saying what is on your mind. You don’t need to over analyze your reasoning.
Relationships often suffer from under-communication. “Saying nothing at all” only worsens drama, conflict, disagreement and blame because it doesn’t allow the other to understand your point of view.
Here are some situations where you can speak up, even it if it isn’t nice or doesn’t please the other: your opinion, your feelings, your experiences and stories, your perspective, your ideas, your wants and needs, your aspirations and dreams, your answers to any questions or request, your questions, your requests, when selling, negotiating, and persuading, giving feedback both positive and negative, stating the impact of the actions, productive complaints, defending yourself, to name a few.
If you find yourself trying hard to only say nice things, then beware. You might be holding back on important communication.
We can’t just “praise” our way through life. You can be kind and still use your right to freedom of opinion and expression.
We can’t just “praise” our way through life. You can be kind and still use your right to freedom of opinion and expression.
Next time you find yourself refraining from saying something because it isn’t nice, examine your intentions. If they are to hurt and harm, then refrain from speaking. Take some time to examine and work through your feelings first. Then speak once you better understand what you are feeling and are able to express your thoughts without attacks (but not avoiding uncomfortable conversations that could upset the other).
However, if you have something to say and your intention is to communicate, not harm, then communicate. Don’t take the responsibility for the other’s feelings.
Given the four reasons the quote “if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all” is limiting, I offer you this alternative versions of the quote:
“If you have nothing to say respectfully, say nothing at all, but if you have something to say, say it.”