Set career boundaries without offending.
By Assertive Way
When I graduated from college, I was lucky to have 2 great job offers. My father who I admire was very vocal about his view that I should take the first job offer. He has a strong personality, and I never spoke up or disagreed with him openly. I also felt I owed a lot to him.
But this was an important career-defining decision. The second job offered exactly what I was looking for which was to work abroad. The first job offered a chance to potentially be selected for an international program after 2 years.
The problem was that I had already accepted the first job offer. And my father’s authority figure and constant pressure made it hard to even think for myself.
After a while, I became so irritated with his authority pressure that I yelled while trembling “It’s my effing life!” and then began to cry. He stood in shock since I never yelled or openly disagreed with him before.
I had always been passive, but I was so passionate about this dream of working abroad that I got emotional and couldn’t help but be aggressive towards him. I had no idea how to communicate effectively.
Why it’s hard to set boundaries with parents
It can be hard to argue and say no to figures of authority that we care about deeply about, like our parents.
I am not a psychologist, so I will share a perspective that is based on effective communication strategies only. A psychologist has training to deal with underlying relationship issues between a parent and an adult child.
You may feel a need to respect their authority, there is a sense of obligation, and a desire to keep the relationship in good terms. You might even feel guilty for being selfish since they’ve done so much for you. At the same time, you may feel stress frustation, and resentment for their pushy and unrealistic expectations.
At some point, we become independent from them. We leave our parent’s home and manage our own finances and life. But the role and emotional separation doesn’t always happen.
You may feel a need to respect their authority, there is a sense of obligation, and a desire to keep the relationship in good terms. You might even feel guilty for being selfish since they’ve done so much for you.
The sad truth about regrets
The top regret of the dying according to the book from Bronnie Ware is “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”
Often, we live the lives our parents expect from us and not the lives we want for ourselves. It is a blessing to have happy, healthy, and living parents. But if you allow them to interfere in your life decisions, then you may have major regrets at the end of your life, and it will be your own responsibility. Your adult life is entirely your responsibility.
Plus, setting boundaries is not an attempt to hurt others. In fact it is the opposite, it is an attempt to continue the relationship in good terms with them instead of feeling the need to withdraw.
What you can and can’t do about it
So how can you tell your parents that you don’t want them to continue to interfere in your life unless you ask for their advice? How can you say it in a loving way that will not jeopardize the relationship?
It may feel as if the relationship will be better if you don’t raise the issue. It may feel better for them in the short term, but it is worse in the long run because you will treat them differently because of it. You may avoid them. You may lose your patience with them. You may distance yourself emotionally from them.
The bad news is that you can’t control how they will react, but you can influence it.
The good news is that you can communicate in a way that will significantly increase your chances of achieving what you want while still having a loving relationship with them.
First, you need to remind yourself that their interference is at least partly coming from a desire to see you thrive and be happy. And that is based on their assessment of what you need to be happy and successful.
10 easy steps
Here are 10 steps to guide you through that delicate conversation with authority figures that you care deeply about such as your parents.
1. Highlight the importance
Let them know you want to have an important conversation with them, so they can take you seriously. Pick a time when everyone is calm and when there isn’t another major agenda topic to discuss.
2. Show appreciation and empathy
Your first goal is to build connection and show respect. Demonstrate that you appreciate them and everything they have done for you. Make them feel special. Appreciation does not weaken your position later. Instead, it creates alignment. Share that you care about them. Recognize that you understand they also care about you and are concerned about your wellbeing.
3. Set an intention for the conversation
Set and share an intention for the conversation that is about to happen. For example, you could say “I want us to have a trusting, positive and honest relationship.”
4. Describe the behavior
Describe the behavior you’ve been observing that you don’t like. Make sure you are describing specific and factual situations without judging them, otherwise they will challenge your observation and may get into defensive mode.
In the example of my father I could have said “I’ve noticed you’ve shared your opinion on which job offer I should take 3 to 5 times a day in the last week.”
If you experience any pushback at this point, continue to reiterate the importance of the relationship with them to you.
5. Acknowledge their intention for the behavior
Re-iterate that you understand their intention is positive. For example, you could say “I understand you are doing this because you want me to make the right decision and to thrive in my career, and I appreciate your desire to help me.”
6. Explain your perspective
Now it’s time to speak your truth. To reveal how it really makes you feel. Your parents may not be aware of their impact on you.
You could say “When you regularly provide advice about my career decisions without me asking for it, and I feel like I’m not in charge of my life and I feel more disconnected from you and I don’t want to feel that.” Use “I’ statements and never blame them for how you feel. Never say “You make me feel upset”. Own your feeling and make sure they understand it’s about you, not them.
7. Explicitly ask for what you want
Now it’s time to ask for the behavior change you want from them. Be very explicit about what you want, but also make it super simple. Make sure it is something they can implement.
In my example, I could have said “I’d really like it if you don’t talk about my job choice unless I ask you about it.”
8. Share the impact of the new behavior on you
Once you’ve said what you want from them, then explain how it would make your life and the relationship with them better. For example, “That way I’ll feel more in control of my own decisions, I’ll feel more connected with you and have more positive emotions when spending time with you.”
9. Restate your intention for the conversation
The more you value the relationship and the harder the conversation, the more you need to speak about what unites rather than separates. Open and close the conversation with your positive intention for the relationship. For example, “I really want to have a loving, honest, and respectful relationship with you and that is why I am sharing this with you.”
10. Get agreement
Finally, it is time to get their agreement. Ask them if they are willing to make the behavior changes that you asked for. For example, “Could you do that for me?” or “Does that work for you?”
If there isn’t an agreement, ask questions and reset
If they feel misunderstood or act aggressively then go back to your intentions and make sure everyone is on board with those intentions before you proceed again. If they don’t agree, then ask questions to clarify their intention or concerns, and then go back to agree a joint intention for the conversation.
If they resort to manipulative tactics like saying that you are an ungrateful child, ask clarifying questions that dismantle the manipulation. For example, “Why do you say I am an ungrateful child?” or “What is it about me making my own life choices as an adult that makes me an ungrateful child?”
The more you value the relationship and the harder the conversation, the more you need to speak about what unites rather than separates.
If the conversation is stuck
If you feel like the conversation has stalled, then give it some time. Remember it takes time for people to process new information, especially if it comes as a complete surprise. Give them the time to absorb and make sense of it all. Then try again.
Even if you don’t reach an agreement in your first conversation, you’ve already done a tremendous job by revealing a problem that speaks your truth and offering a path forward.
If nothing else works you can always establish clear boundaries and communicate consequences if they don’t respect your boundaries.
And remember that you can always fix the conversation if it goes sideways for any reason.
SUMMARY
Setting boundaries with parents isn’t easy, but it may be necessary to avoid major life regrets.
If fact, boundaries are a way to maintain and improve relationships that you care about. You can’t control how they react, but you can significantly increase the changes of a successful conversation.
Communicate your positive intention very clearly at the start and end of the conversation. Be factual and avoid blaming or judgements. Show you care and show respect, then share your honest request with confidence.
“If someone throws a fit because you set boundaries, it’s just more evidence the boundary is needed.” – Unknown